Things Athena and Poseidon Like To Argue About
by whotookmypie
Summary: Athena and Poseidon like to argue about things-they like it so much, in fact, that nobody can really tell who likes it more. Hades has a llama-don't ask. My sad attempt at a first story. T to be safe.
1. The Ethics of Being An Ichthyophage

**(DIS)CLAIMER:** I own Percy Jackson! Hehehehehehe.

**Percy:** No you don't.

**Me** *goes to cry in the emo corner*

**A/N: I will probably rewrite/delete this chapter later. Written at midnight when I desperately wanted sleep but couldn't sleep; thus humor has been degraded quite a bit. Constructive criticism appreciated!**

**Chapter 1: The Ethics of Being An I****chthyophage**

It was an idyllic summer day on Mount Olympus. Birds soared through the cornflower-blue skies, serenading those below with their melodic melodies. The sun shone down like a beacon from the heavens, which was weird, because technically Mount Olympus was the heavens. Huh.

Vibrant flowers adorned the soft emerald grass, their dainty petals fluttering in the silken breeze; their sweet fresh perfume pervaded the moist, cool air, saturating it with an overwhelming feeling of roiurartoiuy`56786ijkpl;]]'[plmkjdrfesWzxdfcglbh;klm;

Sorry about that last line-an irritated reader decided to throw a rotten tomato at my keyboard. Anyway, as I was saying, fluffy clouds of pure white cotton floated lazily through the sky, and-

"WILL YOU GET ON WITH THE FREAKING STORY ALREADY?" shrieked the aforementioned reader, who had become purple in the face and was waving an AK-47 threateningly.

Alright, fine. The gods were chillaxin' in the throne room as usual, and even though I might have gone a little over the top with my lyrical description, I wasn't wrong in calling it a strangely idyllic day. For the throne room was filled with silence-no arguing, no shrieking, no fighting, no nothing. It was almost eerie. Hermes was on Facebook on his iPhone 1029476583S (being a god means special privileges, you know. I won't delve into details about how Hermes managed to coerce-I mean, acquire-his iPhone 1029476583S from Apple, but that might be an interesting story.) Demeter was eating Cheerios, bowl after gigantic bowl. Apollo was listening to Hades-knows-what on his iPod, and Artemis was polishing her arrows. Hades, who had been cordially invited to spend time on Olympus-no, he definitely wasn't here just because he was needed in the story-was feeding his llama (don't ask.) Aphrodite was painting her nails hot pink, and though it was giving off an awful odor, nobody complained. Poseidon was fuming over the existence of whalers for the 1029476583th time, and Athena was enjoying a lobster-wait, a lobster?

As if on cue, Poseidon's head snapped up and he suddenly stopped cursing those damn whalers under his breath. He saw Athena eating the lobster-and that was when all Hades broke loose.

"ARE YOU EATING A LOBSTER, ATHENA?!" he screeched, shooting up from his throne and accidentally flinging his newspaper into Zeus's face (this would not be good for Poseidon). Aphrodite swore and dropped her bottle of nail polish; foul-smelling glittery pink soon bled all over her delicate hands, and only an idiot wouldn't be able to see that something bad would befall Poseidon sometime soon. Whoops. Poseidon just pissed off two gods in the space of five seconds.

"No, this is a cheeseburger," snapped Athena sarcastically, waving a brick-red lobster claw. Poseidon made a unintelligible strangled sound in the back of his throat, and it sounded a bit like "Mimblewimble." (virtual cookie to you if you get the reference.) For a few seconds, he stood there and gaped at the seemingly unimportant lobster claw. The rest of the gods waited with bated breath-well, except for Hermes, who interrupted the drama of the moment with the sound of his crunching on popcorn.

"That's-that's Dobby Bobby the Snobby Lobby Lobster!" Poseidon whaled (bad pun on my part, I sincerely apologize). "That's him! No wonder I couldn't find him recently! My poor Dobby Bobby! He was my best friend!"

Athena opened her mouth, closed it, opened it again, and finally said, "If he was snobby, why were you best friends with him?"

"Ask the author! She made up the stupid name!" he sniffled. "But that's not the point! You killed a lobster, Athena! A poor, innocent lobster with dreams, aspirations, a family! A lobster who was kind and compassionate to everyone he knew-"

Five hours later…

"-and you killed him, Athena! You killed him! You ate him!"

"Are you done yet?" Athena yawned. She was the one of the only other gods not snoring by then. "It's just a lobster, for Hades's sake! It was also very delicious."

"Why does everyone keep taking my name in vain?" Hades demanded.

Athena and Poseidon ignored him, and Hades returned to wallowing in his angst and self-pity (his llama got bored and left to go play with other llamas.)

"Just a lobster? Just a lobster? How would you feel if I ate an owl?" Poseidon positively howled.

"People actually eat lobsters. Who would eat an owl?" Athena rolled her eyes.

"I would! I'll do it right now!"

"Go ahead, then."

...

"...actually, I think I'll pass." Poseidon mumbled.

"That's what I thought," said Athena, smirking. "Athena: 1. Poseidon: 0." To Poseidon's horror, Athena proceeded to crack the other claw of the lobster. He let out another strangled sob.

"You can't just do that! Eating sea creatures is inhumane! People like you have ripped apart entire fish families! Do you have any idea how heartbreaking-"

"Oh, give me a break," Athena snapped, setting down her plate and standing up. The other gods began to stir and watched with interest (Hermes had been munching his caramel corn the whole time; it kept on refilling itself, and it made yours truly very, very hungry indeed). "It's just a damn lobster! You're the expert on humane, aren't you? Don't you remember what happened after you caught a bunch of Chinese fishermen hacking the fins off of Sharky the Barky Malarkey or whatever it was back in 2011?"

"They were being cruel to Sharky!"

"I don't pretend to support shark finning, but do you remember what you did afterwards as a 'punishment'?"

"I decided to uphold my humanitarian beliefs and punished the cruel Chinese fishermen by injuring their home country with an earthquake." Poseidon grumbled.

"Whoa," Aphrodite murmured. "Big words. You almost sounded smart."

"Chinese people don't come from Japan!" Athena almost cried with exasperation. "They come from China! And they were actual people, not lobsters!"

"Your mom is a lobster," Poseidon muttered under his breath.

There was an awkward silence as Athena stared at him.

"Well, eating animals is mean! I can almost hear the mommy of Dobby Bobby the Snobby Lobby Lobster sobbing!"

"Sharks eat other fish," said Athena.

…

"Why were you eating lobster, anyway?" Poseidon tried to change the subject. "You hate lobster!"

"That's a good question." Athena turned to look at Hermes.

_Flashback_

_Athena was making her way to the throne room when her stomach suddenly growled with the force of a 7.1 earthquake. Embarrassed, she looked around to see if there were any witnesses when-_

_"Hey there, Athena!" Hermes greeted unusually brightly. "You sound hungry! Want a lobster?" He brandished said lobster in her face, narrowly missing her eye with a claw._

_Naturally, Athena was suspicious. "Have you poisoned it?"_

_"Nope!"_

_"Spiked it?"_

_"Nope!"_

_"Spiked it with love potion to make me fall in love with Poseidon?"_

_"Nope, but thanks for the suggestion!"_

_"..."_

_"Come on, just take it! It's a lobster!"_

_"No."_

_She pushed past him and he followed, whispering incessantly in her ear._

_"Sweet, savory lobster...dripping with delicious flavor…[**the author cannot think of any more good ways to temptingly describe a lobster, so just pretend**]..."_

_"Will you shut up already?" Athena snapped._

_"If you take the lobster," Hermes replied with a smirk. She tried to sidestep him, but he stood resolutely in the doorway to the throne room. So close, yet so far…_

_"JUST TAKE THE DAMN LOBSTER ALREADY!" he shrieked. _

_Taken by surprise, and really wishing that Hermes would just leave her alone, Athena took the lobster and took a bite. It wasn't half bad, she thought._

_End Flashback_

Poseidon looked at Hermes. So did Athena.

Poseidon and Athena looked at each other, and seemed to reach a truce.

"We get him first, and then we settle this score. Agreed, Owl Face?"

"Agreed, Kelp Head."

Hermes dropped his popcorn and ran.

**Please review! Virtual cookies if you do!**


	2. Hermes' Punishment

**DISCLAIMER: **So apparently I don't own Percy Jackson, but at least I own Harry Potter!

**Harry:** No you don't.

**Me:** *goes to cry in the emo corner once again*

**Chapter 2: What Hermes Deserves For Forcing Lobster Upon Athena**

"We should rip him apart!" Poseidon sobbed into a handkerchief embroidered with the likeness of Nemo. "Just like what happened to Dobby Bobby the Snobby Lobby Lobster!"

Athena disagreed. "We should force him to read Twilight."

Five minutes later, a hardcover book with two hands holding an apple on the front was being shoved into Hermes's face.

It was so terrible, he almost sobbed.

**My funny bone is sort of empty today...just bear with me for the moment. Reviewers get virtual cookies.**


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